no, you are right; i lied in my last post, for which i am sorry. i made a huge deal today about how i hate lying, and here i am being a hypocrite. i apologize whole heartedly, for:

1) lying about updating as soon as i returned. obviously, this was not done. it is being rectified at this moment.

and

2) not posting pictures yet. the first 2/3 of the trip can be viewed here .

it took me forever to figure out how to do the picture posting over there that by the time i was finished with those, i didn't have the energy to do the same over here. the last third of the pictures will be up just as soon as i can manage it. and as soon as i'm in the mood. if i can't get to sleep soon, it may be tonight/morning.


i feel like crap right now and i can't get to sleep. in the past, the only way i've been able to get past this is to write it all down (sometimes deleting it afterwards, other times posting it) or ranting at someone who is wonderful enough to listen. however, i don't think anyone unwilling should be forced to endure such a thing, so this will be completely voluntary.

*END OF BLOG WITH ANY SEMBLANCE OF MEANING* feel free to be on your way now.


sometimes, i really don't know what's wrong with me. i'm feeling completely alone at the moment and it's a gnawing feeling inside me. i hate it. everything is setting me off and, even though i realize it, i can't seem to do anything about it. that makes it all the more frustrating. i can't say everything that i want to say it the correct ways, nor can i say it to everyone that i want to hear it. i never used to be the kind of girl that cried very often; in fact, people would think it weird that they had never seen me shed a tear. i liked it that way, not having to be vulnerable or, at the very least, not allowing people to see that side of me. but now...i just don't know what's happened. i've opened myself up to a whole different world and sometimes i don't like it a whole lot. it freaks me out not to have much control over my emotions when i used be able to keep them carefully tucked away. it's like i purposely try to make myself feel badly, thinking about things that i shouldn't.

today, for example, for some fucked up, self-deprecating reasons, i starting thinking about christina. and about my father, as well. most days, those thoughts would merely churn about in my mind, mildly angering me, if having any effect at all. but today... i nearly lost it with how upset i got. the thoughts just kept compounding and tears did more than threaten.

i think this mood i'm in started last week at work. for one thing, i've been a bit alone there these past few weeks with karla on maternity leave still and yolie on vacation, and with vicki and cathy being so chummy. it just strikes me so odd that after cathy got deported last october, vicki had told me i was doing double what she'd been doing, and that she didn't feel cathy was anything more than a wasted check. now they're such good buddies, and she's taking her PMS-y mood swings out on me. but none of that really matters. the main thing that had (and still HAS) me on edge is a patient. Diane, her name is, and she's a bit loony. she's done lots of crazy things during her time under our care (you will recall that i've mentioned that most of our patients are worker's comp). diane has RSD, which is pretty serious, and not too much is known about it. she says the pain is constant and unabating, and she regularly throws tantrums in our office and over the phone, but for the most part i can deal with her alright. last week, she calls and insists on talking to me. she tells me that the pain had gotten so bad that she kicked a wall and now her foot is hurting. typical diane, vying for attention, probably. she continues telling me that she can't take the pain anymore, and what should she do? (again, typical conversation). i tell her that if she thinks that she broke something, she needs to go to the ER. she adamantly refuses, as i was sure she would. because that's how she is. THEN, she tells me, in the creepiest voice i've ever heard her use, that she also cut her arm because the pain was so bad. that stopped me there. (you have to keep in mind that this is the woman who told us she once bought a chainsaw, intending to CUT OFF HER ARM because it hurt so badly, but was unable to do so because she she couldn't work the pull cord.) i ask to talk to her husband. she keeps babbling. i tell her i'm going to call the doctor and see what his recommendations are. we go through a lot more, but essentially, he says to send the police out (who decide it's a matter for the paramedics) to check on her, being that she wouldn't be straight with me and i couldn't get out of her whether she was home alone. all while waiting to hear something, i am half freaking out thinking that this time she might have really done something BAD, and half pissed off that she is putting me in this situation. she ended up cussing the paramedics out and her husband calls to talk to vicki, and i don't know what's said, but vicki comes out of it acting very managerial, as though she settled the whole thing. i almost walked out of the office at the point in time because i was so upset with everyone involved. it was more psychologically traumatizing than i could have imagined, and i think that's what threw me into this mood.

i feel like i'm going crazy. but it will pass, then i'll come to my senses and feel really stupid.

it was 97 degrees yesterday!
at 9pm, it was still 85 degrees!
golly, you'd think we were living in a desert or something...
oh, wait...we ARE! so everyone should either stop complaining...or MOVE.

i vote for move. there are way too many people here.
sometime in the near future, i would like to move, as well.
far away.

you may say i'm a dreamer.
(but i'm not the only one).